Save Me Read online

  “Not really. I want peace and quiet. Nothing sexual…”

  “You said nothing sexual?”

  “That’s what I said. Maybe peace and quiet is not what I need right now. I need activities. I need to go somewhere where there’s a lot to do.”

  “Oh...OK. I’ll get on it right away. How long would you like to be away?”

  “Two weeks...maybe more.”

  “Two…,” Lynn started but decided on not questioning my request. “Should I tell your friends or will you?”

  “No. Don’t tell them anything.”

  “Will you tell your parents?”

  “No. I don’t want anyone to know my…”

  “Miss Todd, I have to tell your father. He would kill me if he finds out that you are away on vacation and I said nothing. His accounts team keeps track of your financial activities, and they’re going to alert him of your transactions abroad.”

  “Fine. I will talk to him. I have to go. Work on that for me right away. I would like to leave in a couple of days.”

  “OK, Miss Todd,” Lynn said, and I disconnected the call and took a deep breath.

  I was happy for that conversation with Lynn because it caused my tears to take a break. I willed myself not to think about Shannon, but she kept popping in and out of my head. I decided to go to visit my mother and have breakfast there instead of eating alone when I was trying desperately to not think about the woman I loved and could not have.

  I got dressed and left for my mother’s house, not sure if she was even there, but I decided to take my chances because she could get on my nerves from one phone call that I might not end up going there. As I drove, I wondered what Shannon was doing and why she had made no attempt to call me. I knew why, but I was hoping that she was missing me as desperately as I was missing her that she would have no choice but to call.

  Tonight was her party with Raj, and I didn’t even want to think about it. If it were anything like what I did last night, then I really should not let it spend any time in my thoughts. I started to have difficulty breathing because I didn’t want anyone to touch her. I thought last night would have gotten her out of my head, but it did nothing to change the way I felt about her and how much I needed her. I had to accept however that she belonged to someone else and I did not have the right to feel this way. I was praying that my vacation would help me heal, but I feared that it may result in the same as last night where all that I did was in vain.

  For the remainder of the ride to my mother’s, I thought about Shannon while I struggled to not think about her. However, when I arrived, my brain switched to finding an approach to the attack that was imminent. The security gate opened from the remote that was in my car. I took my usual parking spot and walked up to the front door. Paul, our butler, opened the door by the time I got to it because there was always an alert inside whenever the front gate opened.

  “Hi, Paul,” I greeted but not with the usual smile.

  “Good morning, Miss Arien.”

  “Where is my mom?” I asked.

  “She is taking a few laps in the pool…”

  “Inside or outside?”

  “Inside, Miss Arien.”

  “Thank you, Paul,” I said and head in the direction of the pool.

  My mother was underwater doing the front crawl, so I stood by the edge of the pool waiting for her to come up. I wished my dad was here so I could have only one conversation with them about my trip.

  “Miss Arien,” Gertrude, one of our housekeepers said, “can I get you anything?”

  “Hi, Gertrude. Thank you. I’m starving. I would like to have breakfast by this pool.”

  “The usual medley?”

  “Yes. I’m not sure what I would like.”

  “Coming right up.”

  My mother finally came up from under water and a wide smile came to her lips when she saw me.

  “My baby is here!” she said and swam over to me. “What could possibly make you come to check on your old lady?”

  “I saw you two weeks ago, Mom.”

  “Where was I? I wasn’t present for that visit. What I was present for, was the one you made a month ago,” she said as she climbed out of the pool.

  I handed her a towel which she took and wrapped around her then started drying her hair.

  “Did you have breakfast already?” I asked. “Gertrude is getting me something.”

  “I had breakfast at five this morning. I woke up at three o’clock and could not go back to sleep, so I finished a book I had been reading for months and just could not get to the end.”

  “Why couldn’t you sleep?”

  “I woke up thinking where I went wrong as a mother, and if it was stupid of us to have had one child…”

  “Or you just wished you had a different child?”

  “No. I could not imagine my life without you, dear. I just felt like...if you had a brother or a sister then they would have helped to guide you in the right path. Even if they didn’t do it personally, then the life they lived would encourage you to be better,” she said as she tightened the belt of her robe.

  My mother sat at the table and poured herself a cup of coffee as she waited for my usual defense. I had none because I knew she was right. After years of complaining, I finally saw what my parents did. Before, I found it nagging and annoying that they wouldn’t just let me live my life, but it could not have been easy for them to watch their only child have no plans to continue their legacy and was only interested in parties and shopping.

  “Money really is the root of all evil,” my mother sighed. “We did not put any restrictions in place for you, Arien. We wanted you to be happy and we let you do whatever you wanted. I didn’t want to deny you anything. Your father and I failed you. Now, you are an adult and there is nothing we can do but wait on you to realize that there is so much more to life than these wild parties with alcohol and sex.”

  “I’m taking a vacation. I’ll be gone for a month,” I said and my mother’s head shot up from her coffee.

  “A month?”

  "Yes. I need some time away to clear my head and think about the next stage of my life," I said as Gertrude laid out more food than I could possibly eat.

  "And you need a month?" my mom seemed very confused and her eyes narrowed as she studied my face.

  "I need a month."

  "Where are you going?"

  "Not sure yet. Lynn is working on it, but I will let you know as soon as it’s decided."

  My mother returned to drinking her coffee and I waited impatiently for her to start talking.

  "You can't run away from your troubles, Arien. If there is a problem, then you let us work it out together."

  "There is no problem," I lied. "I can go on vacation whenever I want."

  "Of course you can, but you have never left home for more than a week. You have the whole world at your fingertips, but you stay home. Whenever you go on vacation, we, or your friends, have to drag you along. Therefore, my dear, you are running away from something. Tell me what it is."

  This is what I hated about my mother. If given an opportunity, she pushed and pushed until I found yourself spilling my whole life then she used it as a weapon instead of understanding. I had no plans of telling her a damn thing.

  "I have nothing else to say other than I’m going away on vacation," I replied as I ate hungrily.

  "Honey, please chew your food," she said then continued. "I’m your mother, and I love you very much. You know that, right?"

  "Yes, yes, yes. I know."

  "Then why would you not use me to guide you to make the right choices?" she asked but I continued to eat. "You would rather run away than let us work this out together?"

  "Yes, I would."

  My mother sat back in her chair and crossed her arms. She kept looking at me then a smile came across her lips. I stopped chewing because the sudden change in expression threw me off.

  "What?"

  "You thought you could just go through life without
care or feelings. You thought you could control destiny, but I sat and waited because I knew he would find you no matter where you hide or how many men you slept with," my mother said between clenched teeth but also with a smile. It was confusing the hell out of me.

  "What are you talking about?"

  "Who is he?"

  "Who is who?"

  "The man you are running away from?"

  "Who says I'm running away from a man? I didn't tell you that."

  "Son of a bitch!" she shouted and hit her hand on the table. "You fell in love!"

  "What?"

  "Tell me about him."

  I had lost all the blood in my body because my mother was able to get to the truth without me saying a word. She was off with the gender, but she basically summed up the whole thing.

  "I have nothing to say."

  "Fine," she said and I was shocked that she gave up. "What do you hope to achieve by staying away for a month?"

  "I have a lot to think about, and it is best to do that away from the parties and friends and all of that," I explained.

  "So after you are done thinking about those things and return, will you be in the same position as before you left?"

  I thought about it for a second. Coming back home knowing that Shannon was just a few minutes’ drive from me, would push me back to this same position. There was no way to escape her because she was in my heart. I tried hard to push back the tears because my heart was in pieces knowing that Shannon will never be mine.

  "Yes," I whispered. "I would be in the same position."

  "Please let me help you, my darling."

  "You can't help me, Mom," I said softly and got up from the table.

  "Arien...w-where are you going? Let's talk."

  I kissed my mother on her cheek and hurried toward the door. She shouted my name, begging me not to go, but I wanted to get away. I wanted to run as far away as possible from everyone including Shannon, but I was fully aware that no matter how far I went I was mentally a slave to her. As I got into my car and drove away from my parents' house, the tears ran down my face. If only she could call...no, I didn't want to speak to her because it was unbearable to hear her sweet voice and know that I couldn't have her.

  I wiped my eyes and found Lynn's number on the car phone.

  "Hello, Miss Todd," she greeted pleasantly.

  "Lynn, have you heard back from the travel agent?"

  "Yes, Miss Todd. We have narrowed your request to two destinations, but we are trying to see which will be able to accommodate such short notice."

  "Which two destinations?"

  "Florence, Italy and Port Louis, Mauritius."

  "Those are nice. Either one will do," I said and started to feel better that my getaway was starting to take shape. "I want you to look through my schedule and cancel all parties," I said and Lynn was silent for a while.

  "Wha...did you say cancel?" she asked just to make sure she heard right.

  "Yes. All parties."

  "I'm...ah...I'm looking here and there is a birthday party for Jackie Dorman…"

  "Cancel," I said because Jackie's parties were known for their sexual theme with male strippers, and she found every occasion to have one, including being born twice in one year.

  "What about the baby shower party for Debbie Steamer…"

  "Yes. I have to go to that one. Lynn, I need you to come by the apartment so we can go through these. I will call when I'm ready."

  "OK, Miss Todd," Lynn said and I disconnected the call.

  Five minutes into my driving, my phone started to ring. I almost drove off the road when I saw Shannon's name displayed on the screen. I struggled with whether or not to answer although there was nothing I wanted more than to hear her voice. There was really no point in talking to her when it would only lead to heartbreak. Shannon and I no longer had any shared interests, therefore she had nothing that I needed to speak to her about. She couldn't tell me that she would leave Raj and be with me, so there was absolutely no point in speaking to her.

  The ringing stopped and restarted several times, but I held firm and ignored the calls. Shannon needed to focus on her plans to spend the rest of her life with her husband, living the life she chose, instead of playing games with me. I wasn’t upset with her, and I wanted her to know that. I was disappointed in the situation I found myself because I had an amazing life until she came along.

  I looked at her name displayed on my car phone screen and my heart was in love with even the letters in her name. My hand raised several times to accept her call because I so desperately needed to hear her voice, but self-control was the first step toward recovery and I needed to recover from Shannon, no matter the cost. My life would never be the same, and I hoped that when I returned from vacation things would be easier for me, and Shannon would get the message that there was no point wasting time with each other. With a sigh, I turned off the car engine and grabbed my bag. As I walked to my apartment, I felt confident in my decision, but as I opened the door and stepped inside, once again, the tears came.

  Chapter 11

  It was a good decision to take this time away from all the confusion that I was experiencing back home. There was so much that I wanted to do in Florence that would push my body and mind to the breaking point in order to lock Shannon out of my thoughts. I succeeded toward the end of my stay but for the first week, I spent my time in my hotel room crying because I missed her so much. I knew she was trying to get in touch with me, and I felt horrible for her because I knew she was as devastated as I was. But what good would it do to talk to her?

  The second week was not as bad. I actually left my hotel room and walked around the city. I made a few purchases that appealed to me at the moment, but when I got to my hotel room I was not so in love with them. My designated driver that Lynn ensured was available to me twenty-four hours per day, got a whole week off but was very busy by the third week. After a second week of walking the city, lazing by the pool watching others have fun, then drinking at nights, I was ready for something more meaningful. My driver knew where everything was, which I found out after striking up a conversation one night when I had too much to drink.

  His name was Roberto. He was short and a little on the heavy side, but he was the sweetest, most patient man I had ever met. I told him I wanted to do something meaningful with my life and asked if he knew anything that could point me in the right direction. It so happened that his sister worked at an orphanage and he was able to arrange a tour for me. I was not sure if I wanted to take on anything so heavy, but I had abandoned all the hiking, rock climbing, sky diving, and all the other plans that Lynn had made for me at my request. Visiting an orphanage was bound to shock me into a positive direction which could not include Shannon, however, when I saw the little faces of those children yearning for a home and a family, I thought of the ones Shannon and I could have together.

  I wanted to take them all home with me and pour all the love I had inside for Shannon on them. I suddenly found myself desperately wanting a baby, someone who would love me and look at me without seeing my flaws and all the horrible mistakes I had made.

  I spent most of my week at the orphanage as Roberto’s sister showed me around and how the home was operated. I changed one diaper and it was the proudest I had ever been of myself. I read stories to some of them and I fed a few. I soothe the cries of a baby boy who only wanted me to hold him. I closed my eyes and savored the feeling of the little human in my arms, and all I wanted was to have one of my own.

  My time at the orphanage was to help me heal and find purpose, but I spent two days crying in my hotel room after that. Roberto decided to take me to an animal shelter at the beginning of my final week. That was a little better but heartbreaking nonetheless. The last couple of days of my stay, I reflected on all that I did, all that I learned, and whether or not I achieved my goal. I felt stronger, and I felt more in control of myself. I had turned down so many opportunities for sex, and it was the longest period I had gone with
out sleeping with someone. I also learned that I could live without sex for a while and I wouldn't die if I did.

  I was on my way home, and I could feel the glow and excitement inside me to start the next chapter of my life. I would have loved Shannon to be a part of it, but it was not meant to be. I could feel the smile that involuntarily came across my lips at the feeling of being reborn. I laid against my seat as the crew prepared for landing, and the butterflies in my stomach danced as if I was going to see Shannon, but after a month, I was sure she got the message.

  I needed to open my mind to the possibility of finding someone else who could be my life partner. I was not sure if that person should be a man or a woman, but either way, I was not quite ready for that at the moment. I was focused on getting my shit together before bringing someone into my chaotic life. In my efforts to make some changes, I knew my friends would not understand and might blame Shannon for the change in me, but I would not be distracted. I was so determined to take my life in a new direction that if I had to get rid of those girls, then I would and find friends whose lives and behavior would encourage my journey.

  The plane landed smoothly, and I smiled with joy to be home. I picked up my phone and turned it on for the first time in a month. The first person I called was Lynn to let her know I was home.

  "Miss Todd! Welcome home!" she greeted excitedly.

  "Hi, Lynn."

  "How was your trip?"

  "It was...liberating. Thank you for putting together such an awesome package."

  "Did you do all the activities…"

  "None. I realized that what I requested was not what I needed so I found something more meaningful," I explained. "I went to an orphanage and I changed a diaper."

  "Ah...what was that? Did you say you changed a diaper?"

  "I sure did. The best part of my trip," I chuckled and I was sure this was the first time Lynn heard me laugh. "Anyway, I just want you to know that I'm home and…"

  "Miss Todd, there are so many invitations and…"

  "I'm not available for any of them."

  "Some are birthday pa…"

  "None. I don't care whose it is. Tell them I won't be available. I'm exiting the plane now, Lynn. I will talk to you when I get to my apartment."